8 .

There is always 'Kibou' for us , Human .

' Assalamualaikum . Jas :'( '

' Waalaikumsalam . Heyyyyyyyyy . Why ? '

' Thank you for being here . I just ...... I MISS HER . Aku tak boleh tahan dah Jas . Its so painful . Songs in my head so  depressing . Jas , I need her now . WHY IS SHE GONE ? Jas , I wanna cry so bad some times , tapi I'm scared that you gonna call me weak . Again , aku kacau kau . I'm sorry . '

' Wehh kau tak kacau aku pon . Adoiyaiii . Don't you have other special person ? Meer still is .... ? '

' Yes . Meer adalah hamba Allah yang aku cinta . Allah memperkenalkan aku dengan Meer dan Allah telah tarik nikmat cinta tu . Aku menyesal dengan perbuatan aku . Tapi bila aku doa , aku minta dekat Allah , but still she is not here '

' Dah berapa lama you both bersama ni ? '

' Bukan masa yang aku perlu untuk mendalami cinta Meer , Jas '

' Ermm , before this , I pon macam tu , it takes two years to let things go '

' I'm sorry Jas . Its annoying is it for me to be like this '

' Hmmm just asking . So what are you gonna do ? '

' Aku tak tahu . I just ....... '

' Scared of ? Losing her ? '

' She's already happy with her life . I'm losing myself ! '

' Saif , do you have senior or kawan laki  yang rapat ? Cite kat diaorang . Tell someone , let someone listen verbally '

' Ouhhh . Kau taknak dengar dah eh ? I'm sorry . I won't mention a thing no more . I'm so sorry to tell you all this  . Forgive me that I'm wasting your time '

' Ehhhhhhhh bukannnnnnnn lah . Just cut it out la . Adoiyaiii I never bored listening to you . Seriously , tolong jangan cakap macam tu , kau buat aku rasa sedih . It's just , I wanna help you to help yourself . '

' I can't . Her absence already taking most of me away . I'm left with nothing but sorrow and hatred and you , Jas . I'm trustin you to help me , Jas '

' How can I help you ? '

' ........................................... '

' Heyyyyyyyyy '

' Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy '

' Your silence is creeping me out '

' Ouh . I'm sorry . I can't bear to stand all this anymore '

' Well kau nak share apa apa lagi dengan aku ? '

' Hmmmm . I don't know Jas '

' Aku tanya ja ni , biasanya kalau kau depressed , kau buat apa ? '

' Smoking '

' Berkesan ke smoking ? Then ? '

' Yes , for a while . It isolates me from here for a while '

' Are you addicted to it ? It's not good for your health laaa '

' No , I'm not . I could still go on years no smoking . Not good for my health ? Ohhh , so seorang yang paling aku sayang terus tinggal aku macam tu je , yang tu sihat lah eh ? '

' Jangan rosakkan diri kita sebab orang lain tak hargai kita . Sihat tak sihat , kau kena cari ubat .

They are not even worthy anymore for us to sacrifice our life '

' Tapi kenapa Allah bagi aku rasa lagi cinta aku terhadap Meer ? Kenapa Allah masih biarkan aku dikelilingi dengan bayangan Meer ? '

' Aku taknak tengok kau lost macam ni . Macam aku pernah cakap , please , sayangi diri kau . Cuba lupakan orang yang tak sayangkan kau '

' You deserve better '

' You deserve better '

' You deserve better '

' Stop whining '

' Yes Jas . IF I DESERVE BETTER , why am I still alone ? '

' Allah nak tengok effort , please jaga diri . Be strong . Stop ridiculing yourself '

' What should I do instead ...... ? '

' Please , jaga solat . Aku nak kau buat yang tu dulu . Pray in time . '

' Aku jarang solat to be honest . '

' Sokayyy . '

' Everybody has troubles but not everybody has Allah . Allah makes all the differences '

' I'll support you till my last breath . Betulkan yang ni dulu '

' Okay . I'm sorry that I'm like this . Thank you . Malunya aku dengan kau . Teruk perangai aku  '

' Yes . Memang teruk , so aku taknak kau terus macam ni '

' I believe you can be better '

' I believe you can be better '

' I believe you can be better '

' Okay ? '

' I believe it , so please believe yourself '

' Yes Jas . And so will I '

' You know what , I can only help to support you . I can't decide on you . In the end kau yang kena tolong diri sendiri '

' Only I can make the difference kan ? Understood . '

' I don't want you get your hopes up because of my words . We have different life , that's why I can't promise you nothing . I want you to have faith in Him , have faith in yourself . '

' Will I get to see that hamba Allah again ...... Meer ?

' Yes , Inshaallah . Kalau tu yang tertulis , you'll see her again . Kau jaga solat eh Saif . Kau settelkan yang tu dulu . Tak semestinya kau baca doa yang orang biasa doa . Mak aku pernah cakap , kalau nak doa tak semestinya pakai bahasa Arab , He's a very Good Listener . Aku selalu jugak macam tu . Hahaha . Kau nak membebel nak lepas geram dalam doa pon boleh . But then , try laaa :) '

' Thank you Jas . May Allah bless you . Aku jelous tau dengan kau sebenarnya . Seriously no kiddin . Your husband is a very lucky guy to have you who has such strong faith in Allah . '

' You can be one . Even better . Sebab kau tak pernah give up tolak syaitonirrajim tu semua . '

' Jaga solat '

' Jaga solat '

' Jaga solat '

' Jaga solat '

' Jaga solat '

' Serius ni '

' Dude I'm not clean anymore '

' Aku pon ada weak points , cuma tak sama dengan kau . '

' Of course laaa . Your better '

' There are HOPES everywhere in everyway '

' Itukah sebab nya aku masih mengharap Meer kembali ? '

' Actually kau bukan mengharapkan Meer , kau nak apa yang Meer bagi . Kasih sayang , perhatian , trust , protection something like that la . Allah nak bagi kau orang lain untuk kau mengisi kekosongan tu . Sebab orang sekeliling kau sekarang takdak lagi yang bagi apa yang Meer bagi . That's why you're longing for her presence '

' Itu betul . Yes , I'll wait . Hit the bull's eye . Eheh . I want Meer , I want to beg Allah . I don't know why I still want her...but I still want her '

' When ever you are alone , remind yourself that Allah had sent everyone away so that it's only you and Him . Jaga solat , settle that thing first . If Allah answers your prayer, He wanna increase your faith . If not , He want to test your patience . '

' Yes Jas . Thank you so much for trusting me with hopes '

' It's not me who gives you hopes '

' Islam is blessings '

' Islam is full of HOPES '

' The thing you need to do is , jaga solat , okay? Promise me . Promise yourself . Promise to Allah you'll change for a better better better person .'

' I promise . Understood . '

' Next time ada apa apa , roger ahhh aku '

' Imma go clean up now . Thank you for everything . Nice to talk it out you know '

' I accept you as you are now . Aku pon rebel in a way '

' You do ... ? '

' But I'm complicated  '

' Haha . And I'm not going to leave you losing yourself again . Not anymore . I can't stand watching people craving for fulfillment . Only Allah can fulfill you . Only Allah can satisfy you . I wanna you to get closer to Allah , thats all '

' Understood '

' Percayalah , seek the Lord with all your heart . We both struggle '

' You're not gonna give up on me ? '

' Lets be good practising Muslims together . Why would I ? '

' I have no reason to give up on you . '

' I have no reason to hate you . '

' She had her reason to let me go , to hate me some more , to give up on me .... '

' I'm not her laaaaa . '

' Heyyyy I'm sorry . I'm comparing you two at all '

' Haha . It's okay . I dont know why people hate each other . Just because they're different ? '

' Because I'm not perfect . I'm different . '

' Everyone has flaws , that's why I don't see reason to hate people . Okay la Saif , I wanna wake up early tomorrow . Probably . Dah ngantuk . Take good care of yourself and your prayer . I leave you to Allah . I know He will take care of you . '

' Yes . You too Jas '
' Rest well '
' Sleep well '
' Thank you for everything tonight '

' Again . I believe you can try hard enough , Allah ada . Assalamualaikum . '

' Thanks again Jas . Waalaikumsalam . '

*************************************************************

Real story . The way she talks , the way she advices , the way she doin ntahpapapapa really make me get my 'kibou' back !

May Allah bless you and him :)

7 .

I'd asked my friend before ,

' Kenapa kau suka tolong orang? Apa yang kau dapat ? '

' Kenapa tanya ? '

' Random . '

' Aku suka ja tengok orang lain gembira . Dan it make me feel good to help others . Ada kepuasan , a purpose time tu . It makes life more meaningful .'

' Ohhh I see '

' Cuba bayangkan macam ni , lepas kita mati kan , just siapa ja yang nak tengok kita dikebumikan , adakah yang kita pernah tolong dulu tu akan lupa kita macam tu ja? From my experience , many I have help and many not thankful . So maybe all I ever I wanted is I just want people to remember me , I was there in your life , maybe once . Just don't forget me . Sebab tu aku suka tolong orang , yeahh maybe they will help me in akhirah nanti ? Who knows , kan ? '

' Yeah . True . Thanks '

19 March 2015